Learning How To Get Up Again

Living with a mental illness is probably one of the most humbling and trying experience one can go through.  Everyone around you has no problem reacting to someone with a physical ailment, but when they know you are dealing with mind issues the reactions you get are at best checkered.  Its so hard then to find real on honest people in your life that just get it.

I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I have had to make a "comeback" after being diagnosed.  Whether it was just getting back to a medication regiment, crawling back to work, getting back in the classroom, or just having the guts to be visible in your own neighborhood, or hang out with friends again.  Especially early in a diagnosis these hurdles these comebacks are so filled with anxiety and terror, and its very hard for us to communicate that responsibly to those close around us.

There is so much resistance you have to pull through just to tread water emotionally in those early months and years.  Sometimes the process of rebuilding is something painful we try everyday. But thankfully it does get easier. But it is hard, when life is back to square one, when you are away from friends, school, or the job you used to be able to handle.  You just want things to be routine, but having a mental illness shatters that reality for the time being.

Its not that you have to lower your expectations to find a new routine, its just that you have to adjust to medications that make you too tired, too hungry or too irritable all the time.  Your sleep schedule many times is thrown out of kilter, as it takes time to figure out what your medications are doing, and finding the right dosage.  And for some of us we have to make these adjustment on the fly because the job demands it or we are still working through school.  And let me tell you, on the fly adjustments are scary, because the world doesn't stop for you.

For me it took me almost two years to get the right living adjustments, (sleeping, eating exercise), the workload, and the medications all down before I could handle the life I had previous to diagnosis and treatment.  Its a process that looking back I am thankful I will never have to do again.  Living at that time everything was so simple, so basic, so survival mode.  For me my world stopped as I had to make my life and my treatment get along with each other.

Crucial to my success was the fact I had a definable long term goal.  For me getting back to the university was motivation enough to stick with the grueling treatment and therapy.  You have to have a goal that is significant enough for you to go through what is a very hit and miss process treatment and adjusting to treatment.  Your friends goals, or your parents goals are fine, but until you have goals of your own for your life, other people's motivations are not enough to see you through the process.

I want to encourage you, you will get through what you are dealing with now.  If you don't have a goal or a vision for what two months looks like, just start with tomorrow.  No matter what you may have lost, no matter how many times you have to start over, you can.  And the life you want on the other side of your current struggle is attainable.  The job, the schooling, the friends, the relationships are all within your reach.  I wish you the greatest of success in your journey.

Thank You Readers!

An Object in Motion

Mental Illness can be debilitating, it can sap your strength and it can paralyze you.  There are seasons when you don't want to go out and face the world, or just go outside.  But like with anyone having a healthy active lifestyle can wonders that medications alone cannot.

One of the things I have been most thankful for especially during my first few years since my diagnosis was having a membership to a local YMCA.  For me it was a safe haven, I loved to build my day around swimming there.  It was a couple miles away, so that pushed my to walk or ride my bike often.  For me there was something more than just the exercise though, just being in the water itself was healing for me.  Sometimes just getting to the Y was a measure of success for one day for me.

And that is sometimes how you have to approach getting healthy, its one day at a time.  Sometimes its about mixing up venues or workouts.  Even just walking a half an hour brings forth some degree of mental clarity for me. 

When you take care of your body, your mind will respond, you'll gain momentum, and your outlook on life will change.  There are so many times that mental illness will make time stand still.  But exercise can be a component that can break through cyclical thinking patterns and can get you on the road to a better life.

Pick something you don't even have to be good at, just the act of getting outside, and even being around people with a sport is really helpful.  When the weather turns toward winter, I can freely admit, bi-polar and all, I don't want to move.  Its hard to get moving.  But do something you enjoy, you don't have to spend three hours at a gym to reap the benefits of exercise.  When you make it your routine you'll find that exercise gives you the mental clarity to tackle you ongoing issues.  If you can incorporate taking fitness classes to, that is a wonderful way to meet new people and try something new.

Exercise can become something you look forward to, and it can help brighten your day especially in the winter months.  When you make it a priority, you will reap immediate benefits, learn something new, and give yourself a vital tool in helping you deal with any mental health issue. 

Thank You Readers!

Expectation

There is something that can be written on the spirit of everyone dealing with mental illness, or any ailment.  That is the desire or the expectation to be made whole one day.  So deep is the desire to be able to experience life at its fullest, to live beyond sickness, that is hope of everyone.

Sometimes this desire, this hope is buried beneath years of neglect, darkness and despair.  Sometimes it takes other people to "unpack the bags" that we were not meant to burden alone.  Sometimes it takes therapists, doctors, pastors, chiropractors, mentors and friends to help us see and to live the life we were meant to live.

I know there are people sitting in prisons, in hospitals, in psych wards that are living in the shadows of their true selves.  But deep down past the horror of their past and present they want peace in their lives.  They want to transcend their sickness if they could let go of their fear.  Deep down they want an end to their pain.

My route to a healthy life was a process of seeking as much help from as many sources, as many people as possible.  I saw a therapist for over eight years.  They helped me unpack all my negative thinking, and helped me create goals and a vision for my life.  Doctors provided the baseline of medication that helped regulate biochemical imbalances that are the core of mental illness.  Pastors and mentors helped me discover my true self, and that gave me a spiritual context that was helpful for me to connect my life experience with God's plan for my life.  Chiropractors/Yoga/Fitness instructors helped me tune the physical component of my health.

For me there is no one thing that I can say independently cure or treat a mental illness.  A multilayered approach is needed to restore a mind and body to health, and can bring peace and wholeness to life.

In everywhere that I seen mental illness, I have learned there is no such thing as "unreachable" people.  It is my hope and expectation for my life that my health, my journey and my "reaching out" can help me reach people and help give people a new perspective and jump start on life.  My aim is to teach people and guide them towards wholeness.

When we expect, when we are given the hope that our lives can change, no illness or disorder can stop us from living a fulfilled life.  When we are healed we can go out and heal others and create communities of hope.

Again, thank you readers so much!

Being Able to Feel Good About Feeling Good

I believe that probably the worst effect of mental illness is that it can steal your joy.  It can cause you to lose hope and it can make you believe that every time you start feeling good about life and yourself that something dreadful something awful has to happen next.

Anxious thoughts form a paralysis that can prevent you from living now, and can keep you from dreaming of a better future.  And unfortunately mood cycles and the agitation they bring can further cripple you into believing there is no way out.

When you experience mania, you can be scarred to believe that this is the only way you can ever feel good.  There were times where I thought that the only way to achieve my goals was to experience the world through the highs of mania.  I thought it was the only way  people could know me, and would accept me. But mania always crashes into confusion riddled in fear  And more often than not it ends up with you in a hospital, jail, or some other desperate situation.  But for years the seduction of a manic experience always trumped the fallout reality.

Thankfully the cycles of bi-polar can diminish in their intensity and amplitude become less severe.  For years after being diagnosed, I literally feared feeling good.  I always felt that if I got too confident, if life really got good, I would crash, that all that I was building would fall apart.  I never thought that happiness or contentment was natural or could be real.   I was trapped in a life outlook of low expectations and a true fear that nothing good could be sustainable in my life.

Thankfully as I write this blog, that is not my reality today.  I don't have to wait to enjoy life.  I don't have to look over my shoulder every time something good happens in my life.  I don't write this blog, write a book, attend local DBSA meetings, or participate in Mental Health Studies out of a fear that someone will find me out.  I do all of those things because I have experienced significant healing in my life, and I believe that my walk/my experience has merit and many will experience the same because I have chosen to speak.

I know what has worked for me, it may not work for you or someone you know, but at least it starts up a conversation that may open doors.  It is truly amazing what life looks on this side of a mental illness diagnosis.  Life is bright, full of expectation and promise.  Walk with me in this journey and you can experience the same!

Not By Sight

Everything about the times we live in builds us up for the expectation of instant results, instant diagnosis, instant reliable treatment and instant cures.  And the reality is that even in today's modern medicine there is trial and error and the pathway to effective treatment may not be a straight and narrow one.

And the anticipation and the wait for answers can be a frightening experience that can shift our focus from what really matters in life.  Sometimes I almost feel that it would be best if we didn't know everything in a treatment plan.  I say this because in some cases we know too much, and we expect we have complete control of the treatment process.

I was thankful in some respects that very early on in my treatment my doctor took my family aside privately and told them it would be two years before I would be able to handle the classroom again.  If I was given this information directly, I would have been shattered, I would have lost hope in the process and I would not have been able to manage the day to day aspect of my care.  That reality check would have crushed me under the realization that my goal was too far away.

But when we hurt, we're hungry for answers, and we have a vision for what we want life to be and should be, but in that moment we are in pain and no one seems to know why.  My encouragement is simply this: from day one till the day when the plan is over, don't give up on the process.  Maybe you can't nail down what is causing your pain or what is driving your fears, what is the root of your depression or moods swings.  Maybe your current doesn't even know the root of these issues.  But God does.

God has the solution, he has made provision for your healing.  Just because you cannot work today, or cannot go to school today, maybe you have to take your children to daycare because you are not well enough to take care of them yourself--this is not your permanent situation.  Mental illness can strip you of a lot of things, it can rob you of hope, it can steal your joy and it can strain your relationships.

My message is simply this:don't give up the fight.  Answers are coming, better days where clarity is the norm rather than the exception.  You will find momentum.  God knows you right where you are at, solutions are surfacing within you. No matter what frustration you are feeling right now, no matter the distractions or emptiness, there are better days, healing and a bright future in store for you. You will step out with fresh vision and achieve freedom and joy you will make and achieve new goals, and realize old dreams.

Some might say believing in a bright future, that dreaming of a life not defined by mental illness is a fantasy, that it just won't happen, and you are stuck right where you are at.  Having a faith in yourself is something you do, even when you cannot see results right now.

Trusting God now has nothing to do with how we got to our current circumstances or current health issues.  It has everything to do with trusting the one who created us, who is the source of all wisdom and still has a perfect plan for your life.  As much as I can write this message I have many times struggled with trusting God in certain areas of my life.  And its something I have to work at daily.  Sometimes it easy to believe that we in our own logic and understanding have all the issues and have the only perspective on our life. 

Yes we live in broken bodies with fragile minds and the healing process can at times be a day to day struggle.  But when we trust in the process, we can experience healing, especially when we open ourselves up to God and His wisdom for healing in our lives.  Our lives can be amazing.  Whether our healing comes today or someday in the future we can be assured that God is close by, He is the creator of our lives, our faith and our wholeness.  He loves to hear from you..

Thank You readers!

Being Selfish

There are always many motivations to make a positive change in your life, and when it comes to accepting treatment for mental illness, being selfish is a good reason as any to get healthier.  When you are in crisis there are a myriad of reasons you'd want to not be in a hospital again, or have to find a new job again, or to have to constantly rely on others for support.  And your motivations for not being in that rut can take on different meanings and implications.  Some will get you further than others.

But when it comes down to it, you have to want to get better because you want to.  Of course its always nice if your family is united and think its best for you, or your girlfriend or boyfriend is on board; but at the end of the day you have to live for yourself.  Don't get me wrong these are great people to have in your corner and they make the decision for treatment easier.  However, you are the one that has to go to therapy, take the meds, live with the side-effects, and deal with countless appointments and blood tests. 

Accepting treatment is a daily decision.  And this decision to put yourself first is the most important decision you can make with your life.  When you take ownership of the things you can control (taking meds, eating right, sleeping well, and keeping mentally and physically active) the path towards greater mental stability gets easier and easier.  And the one thing my doctor has always said, "Stability creates more stability". 

When you live life to meet someone else's expectations, and/or you make a personal decision out of fear of what someone else will think, you are setting your self up for failure.  Your belief in yourself and your foundational desire to be better for you opens doors for yourself.  You can lead a productive life: You can go to college, you can hold down a job, you can be a part of a loving family;

When you are selfish. when you start by just making small decisions today you can have a full and amazing life.  Ultimately small decisions add up and you will see yourself healthier and happier because  you valued yourself and took control of your treatment and thus your life!

Noise And the Blank Canvas

It has been said 10% of life is what actually happens to you and 90% is your reaction to what happens to you.  That being said, its our thoughts that comprise our lives.  When you strip away all the things we add to life, what we are left with is pretty simple.  Unfortunately when you are dealing with mental illness you have a hard time resolving this fact of life.

When you have a mental illness it is difficult to find out exactly are your thoughts and the life beneath those thoughts.  Essentially life is a blank canvas.  Ultimately everyone chooses the paints and the composition they create with their thoughts.  If our attitude is positive or negative, whether our outlook on life is good or bad, these approaches or thought bundles color and layer the canvas.  Our actions then build our life and composition into a three dimensional life portrait.

Mental illness has a way of scrambling this picture.  Mental illness jumbles your thought processes, and has away of burying emotions to where colors are muddied, buried, or cloaked.  And the process of unpacking these thoughts and emotions is not an easy task.  And its these pile of colors, this noise that makes mental illness very difficult to analyze on your own.  Furthermore, in times of crisis finding anyone else that can make sense of this very abstract painting is a very tenuous process.

But simplicity, and a clear sound can be detected amidst the confusion.  Understanding your life picture can take the forms of many treatments.  Doctors. therapists, attending small groups, are all ways that when you become honest with yourself, and start communicating your thoughts and feelings with others it is possible to begin to me more intentional about how you are painting your canvas.

Just the act of speaking to others is a huge step.  I know for me I also had to learn to write out my thoughts and feelings, and I had to become more open with myself.  When you can begin to unpack all this, a simpler picture can begin to emerge.  You can begin to see how you are reacting to life, and then eventually you can see the power you have to choose a new thought,  a new way of painting your picture intentionally and with purpose.

This process of opening up to treatment is a critical step to living achieving healthier, more aware life.  When you can take ownership of your emotions and your thought life, it empowers you to live with more focus and more direction.  The picture you paint can be beautiful, its a process that can transform your life and the world around you.

Driving With Balding Tires

I can think of no better metaphor to describe what living with bi-polar disorder is like.  This illustration is by no means a perfect one but it does shed light on the factors that effect you along life's journey.

The car is essentially you, the fuel is what ever you are feeding yourself with be it, what you are reading, what you are listening to, what is coming in from the outside.  The engine or what moves the car, it is  your expectations.  In this case expectations can be positive or negative, and they in some cases for this illustration be seasonal fluctuations.  The tires represent your ability to stop the car and to intentionally steer your direction.

Balding tires are an illustration of fear and the effects of fear.  When fear is present, even when mood is good, expectations are high, or in the extreme case when mania is present, balding tires represent your inability to harness and stop or steer the car especially from high speeds.  Fear will always be on the other side of mania crippling your ability to reach a desired end.  Fear overcomes your expectation--it can lead to an awkward end before you get to your destination. 

On the opposite side when expectations are negative, fear can leave you spinning your tires, and leave you paralyzed in a rut.  With no traction on poorer surfaces fear ends up with you skidding out of control.

For me the effects of fear have been more prevalent in the winter months.  In that season, for whatever reason I tend to have my engine running more, my expectations have me running faster, and fear has in the past always stopped me short of my targets. 

The effects of balding tires in the warmer months are not as extreme but they still can be harmful.  When fear is present you have a hard time gaining momentum, especially from a dead stop.  Balding tires/fear can still prevent you from precisely stopping or changing course even in the idealist of conditions.

The simple solution to the fear issue is simply to change the tires.  But how do you do that? And what does that practically look like?  In truth you need to ask yourself where is this fear coming from, what is it based on.  Sometimes our perspective no matter the season is not a clear one.  Our perceptions, if we get in the habit of checking them can reveal the sources of the tire damage before we end up skidding again.

Expectations are a beautiful thing, they are what keeps us going.  They provide a pathway to what we desire and look forward to.  Choosing to believe that the pathway we our on is one of growth, and of expectation we can begin to sort though or thought processes and check our tires and change them before they become hazardous to our journey.

I hope this metaphor has been a helpful tool for you.  This blog's material will eventually be condensed to a book, to be published at a later date.  Thank you again for reading!

A Reminder

One of the easiest things to do is to lose focus.  Whether we become mired in negative self talk, and inward focused or we have too many irons in the fire and have too many outward distractions, the need for focus can be an every day battle.

For me reading and writing down what I read has been a source helping me redefine my approach everyday.  When I was away from college, I had a real hard time adapting to everyday life, and keeping myself mentally sharp.  I was fortunate at that time to find work close by that I could easily walk to.  But it was a struggle that 10 minute walk to and from work, and the fight to stay positive was grueling.

I was fortunate that I picked up Norman Vincent Peale's book the Power of Positive Thinking. Its pages became my instruction manual for my life at that critical moment.  I was so taken by the book that I would write down quotes and put them on index cards and read them constantly to and from work.  That was a blessing, it made that season of transition more focused and it re-energized that time I spent away from college.

These days I am filled with quite the opposite situation: I have so much pending, so many projects, or volunteer opportunities that I am swamped with options, waiting for the shoe to fall.  This is a equally frustrating time because in the abundance of choices, you become stifled to make good decisions now.  Even for me now I need reminders of what is most important to me.  One of the things I did recently was post a photograph by my bathroom mirror of a symphony hall, its there to remind me that every day I am working towards the goal of writing beautiful music that will be heard by thousands one day.

The key no matter what season you are in is to find what motivates you.  Is it a quote, is it picture of a place where you'd like to like?  Put something in front of you that will remind you now, that your goals, and dreams are measurable and attainable. When we have this concrete point of focus we can gain momentum and we can sift through our noise and move closer to our vision.

Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed this message!

Why Speak Out?

Many people might ask me, why are you so public about your life and your past struggles with mental illness.  And my answer is simply this, there are many people I have met and will continue to meet that need to know there is hope out there.  They need to know there is a good life for them with treatment, with taking simple steps each day to live beyond fear.

There are many times that I have shrunk from the responsibility of sharing my story.  There are times when I have been fearful that people will be repelled by it details, and my past.  I have decided that there are far too many people that could benefit from knowing the both the triumphs and the tragedy of my story that I chose to speak out again.

It is my hope that this transparency will bring for clarity not only for the people with mental illness but also the friends and family that have been affected as well.  This is my life.  I live to see the day when more people realize, this is their life to own, to create and to make a better future for themselves.  I thank you for listening, this is a awesome journey we share!

Trevor

To Begin

No purpose is confused in this light

To begin again, to speak covering new ground

In every arena, let it be known

I chose this path, I chose this life and its hurdles

I am here to accomplish beyond fear, beyond silence, beyond apathy

These are days blessed in their offering

Awakened by truth

I cannot stand on the sidelines immersed in the static and the noise

And feel comfortable

This is my all

If I have to speak, if I have to sing, write, play whatever, if all I can do is just be

Than this is another start

For all that is to come, to finish

Blessed be