Blog: Somewhere In between
One of the hardest things to achieve with a mental illness is to have a healthy perspective. No matter where you are in your life your experience at the extreme poles can really define your life in between them. Seasonal variations all have a way of revisiting these crisis points along your life journey.
For me it has been just as difficult navigating through the depression as it has been the mania end of things. I can just as easily remember the seasons where I was left in traction due to depression, when I could not cope at school, work home or anywhere in between. Those times remind me when I start slipping into destructive thought patterns and when I need to seek help when things are veering of course. Whenever find myself withdrawing and not interested in my hobbies and social things I put myself on guard and try to get to the root my thoughts, emotions and behavior.
Mania is something that is very different for me. Most of the times when I have not been medicated properly I have swung to the manic side of life. It is during these times when my thoughts race, my sleep is lessened, and my mood is elevated.
But at its core mania is a awesome experience that is always short-lived. During mania, you just feel great, you sense you are "one" with the world, everything is bright and positive. But mania always morphs itself into anxiety and other thought patterns that can be destructive and out of control.
Mania in its purest form is the pinnacle of life experience. You feel close to God, and you have this endless source of energy. For me this always manifests itself into periods of great creativity, and social freedom.
Experiencing mania however can have you question life when it is good. Somewhere in the back of your mind you question how long can this good thing last. Just as depression leaves scars the after effects of a manic episode can last a long time as well. There are times when I questioned moments of clarity or direction, or motivation. Because in the back of my mind I don't know what is next. Because when things where looking up and positive they crashed. You always have those thoughts lingering even in the best of times.
Its really hard to take life at face value when you start gaining years of experience and seasons of thought patterns to your memory.
But you cannot sort this stuff out in isolation. You cannot rely totally on yourself, you need to share your life with someone (friends, family, counselor, doctor, all the above) because you have to gain an objective perspective on your life that transcends just your thoughts and feelings.
It is possible to love your life and not let your life experience at the poles scare you from living your life to the fullest in between. Just because you crashed before doesn't mean you are not wiser and better equipped to deal with that stressor or that season now. You can live stronger and more aware because of your past, stay on your path, you are not alone.
